Only a mothe r could love this liver
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize