Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
