I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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