i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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