call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You ate ashes out of my bong
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
