Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
