I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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