Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
