dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
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