ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
