Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
