I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
