Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
