when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
