Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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