Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
