I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
