and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Are we still banned from the library?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
