i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
