We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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