also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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