Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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