Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
