Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
