Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
