Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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