It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
