dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
