She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
