can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize