The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
