Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
