i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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