Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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