Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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