I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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