bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
