You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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