I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
