Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
