we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize