My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
