Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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