Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
