good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
