i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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