went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
