Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
