at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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