Soap is not a condiment
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
