don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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