the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You pole danced in your parka.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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