Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
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