there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
