my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
