I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
