how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
