What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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