i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
