I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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