I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
