so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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