She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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