my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
